Hegumen Fr. Andrei
(as shared with Frank Clyburn summer 1998)
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We all have spiritual experiences. Most people don't dare to mention it because they're afraid of being accused of being proud or something. To me it's normal. The spiritual life exists - so we have spiritual experiences. And, I think my duty is to share my experiences. I believe that's the will of God.
The experience I'm going to talk about is about the children killed in the womb of their mother. Now, I must say that I am, of course, against killing. All those nice explanations, liberation of women, etc., is nonsense because there are dead babies. I suppose the guilt is up to the person. Often the young girls are allowed it because they're panicky but the ones who do it are the doctors and that's up to their conscience I'm not the judge.
But what happened to me is the following:
I was having Liturgy Sunday, as usual, and I was paying attention to the prayers and suddenly I heard inside me a voice that said, "Look, up, up!" (Not physically - spiritually.) First I said "no!" I said "no" about 5 times before I finally said "yes." You know I'm a prudent person if I may say so. So, finally I put my eyes up, and it happened all in a second but I have to explain, and I see a sky, an enormous sky and clouds. Then the voice says "look with more attention." And I see little faces, millions of little faces of babies. The voice said "those are who are killed to expiate the evil of the present time and they were baptized in their own blood. They are saved. And also they suffered physically without committing sin like Christ himself. Also, at the last coming of Christ, they will be the size our Lord wanted them to be if they had not been killed and, they will have a name. Then the vision disappeared.
Of course I have trained myself to not give an interpretation unless I have an interpretation in my mind but I didn't have any. You see, the problem is, that people usually try to interpret before they have any light about that. Actually, most of the heresies came for that reason. So I've trained myself, if I don't know, I'll say nothing. So I let it stand as such, still being puzzled.
Then another Sunday again there was another interruption. "Look up in the sky!" I said "no" again about 5 times then I finally give in and looked. This time I saw a sky, an enormous sky and little twinkle little stars. The voice said, "now look again with more attention." Those stars are little faces of those babies. Again, babies killed in the womb of their mothers. And again the voice explains, "They are killed to expiate the evil of the present time. They were baptized in their own blood and they are saved." "Also they have suffered physically like Christ without committing sin." And also the voice says, "at the last coming of Christ that they will be the size that the Lord wanted them to be if they hadn't been killed and they will have a name."
That's not all - a voice come to me and said they are asking me to be present at my Liturgy. They have never had Liturgy although they call it Mass. This was the first Mass in their lives so they were present all during the Liturgy. And I felt a great joy coming from that.
Now of course I'm still puzzled as to why I'm involved in that. I didn't destroy clinics, I didn't beat up any doctor, also I don't march in groups for the following reason; if I take one side then I'm incapable of speaking to those who are supposed to be corrected or something like that. So I think that for me it's meant just to meet people one-on-one.
And then this didn't end the visions. One day I had to travel, it was November and raining, from Trail, Oregon I had to travel south toward Las Angeles, near the desert, to meet some people. I said to myself, "my.. woof, how hard." Suddenly! I felt the presence of those babies and they say that they'll travel with me as a sort of protection. "Ha," I said, " you have some power. Can you do something? In Medford there is a certain Judge...." As I continued traveling south they said that they can do nothing toward interfering with that person. They have no power but they will tell the people, that I'm supposed to meet, that I'm arriving. When I arrived they were ready for me. And that was it.
I still was puzzled as to why I was involved in abortion, I don't approve of that, but still I don't know why. I remember I was in Russia with the Russian Bishop. I spoke about that vision. He said, "Father, aren't you supporting abortion?" I said, "no, I don't support either the killing of Christ but He died to expiate us. So I simply give facts and not the interpretation, that's all."
And then I had another experience. I'm invited sometimes to speak to some groups of ladies about abortion. Of course they see in their mind those mangled little bodies, often thrown into the garbage and so on, it's distressing, and they are all crushed. But when I tell them the story of my vision they understand that evil will not triumph. And like Christ crucified, which was of course terrible, there is a meaning - evil will never gain the upper hand. So there's a meaning in that spiritual vision and the Bishop finally agreed with me.
And then also I had another experience, and this is for those ladies as a kind of hope - it's not hopeless, in the end God will triumph. I met a young woman and she had the courage to say that she had let her child be killed. Of course you understand that the young woman often is panicky or allows it for psychological reasons. The killer, is the one who kills, the doctor. He's the one who takes the responsibility. Of course God is the judge of all of them. Anyway I told her, "you know what? You had that baby, give a name to that baby and pray to it, it's there in the lap of our Lord." She did that and then she got forgiveness, consolation and joy - She had a protector in heaven.
Again it doesn't mean that I'm supporting abortion, I'm sorry, simply the facts of life and there's a meaning in everything. So that is what happened and why I'm involved? I'm sorry, I haven't burnt clinics yet and I don't plan to do that. Well that is my personal experience which I repeat once in awhile and I still feel at the present time the presence of those babies. I feel a kind of friendly feeling from them, a kind of warmth and I feel at home with them, they are saved souls, they are saints.